The past year and a half have been life-changing for me. In January of 2009, I experienced healing from the left-overs of sins I had committed. My love for Jesus has grown in intensity, and I have a growing desire to give God glory. My prayers have become more fervent. My relationship with my Savior is sweet. His Word is precious to me.
With that said, I've done a LOT of reading over the past year. In addition to reading The Bible, I've mentioned a couple of life-changing books before, but want to mention them again: The Next Door by Melody Allred, and Crazy Love by Francis Chan. Those books have caused me to look at my life in a different way. In addition, most of you know I LOVE music, so I'm always listening for new songs that express my heart. A recent release by Kerri Roberts does just that: No Matter What. In fact, it's almost a scary song to me. The lyrics talk about loving God "no matter what" He allows into your life. I hope (and I mean, sincerely, with all I am, hope) that I love Him "no matter what."
I have spent the last several months praying for some specifics...which I won't mention here...just know I'm not talking material things...I'm talking specifics about my life and my witness. What I'm finding is the more I pray, the more dedicated I am to giving God glory, the more Satan attacks me. He's attacking my family, specifically, my children. And, on one hand, I think I am ready for the battle because I know that God will reign victorious. On the other hand, I am scared. I doubt. I question and second-guess...not God, but my preparedness.
It's heartbreaking, scary, and almost intimidating when Satan wages an attack on me by using others to get my children and husband involved. My faith in God does not waiver in this; but my response to the attack does. I find myself praying more, begging God to direct me, to show me how to respond to the attack, to fight in a way that pleases Him. I am struggling, but God is faithful. I sometimes want to quit, but God holds me up. I want to react rather than respond, but God calms me.
I cannot go back to a place of complacency to please myself or anyone else. I cannot conform because Satan wants me to. I must be transformed (to the image of Christ) by the continual renewing of my mind (through reading His Word). I must take Him at His Word. I must believe God for what seems impossible to me right now...no matter what! God didn't heal me to allow Satan to win...He healed me to allow Himself to be victorious through me.