Saturday, September 11, 2010

My Greatest Fears...Now

I have always been afraid of heights. When I was 10 years old, my family lived near a railroad trestle. One afternoon I was along with the family on a walk, and everyone decided to cross the trestle. I was not just scared; I almost panicked. I remember crossing behind my Mom, ever so slowly, hoping I wouldn't fall into the water below. I made it almost to the other side when one of my legs went down between the tracks. My Mom turned, helped me up, and we finished crossing. I don't remember anything about the return trip. I think I must've blocked it from my memory! Since then, I've been terrified of heights. (Strange that I like roller coasters!) On a recent trip to the Nashville kids' science center, I had to let Mark go up to the top floor in a cool maze with the girls because I couldn't stand the height of it!

But, there are two things I fear now more than heights. I fear myself, and I fear pride. I am terrified that pride will creep back into my life. And, I am terrified that I will reach a point where I will trust myself instead of trusting God. I know we are not to live in fear; but, when you've allowed pride and self-trust to so consume you that you fall a long distance, you are afraid to let it happen again. I am constantly reminding myself to be humble before God, to seek His guidance, and to obey.

I used to worry so much about what others thought of me that I would do just about anything to make a good impression. That is how I reached the point of what I call church burn-out. If I was asked to do something, I automatically said "yes" because I was afraid that other people wouldn't think I was a good Christian if I said "no." (btw...I wasn't!) I didn't seek God's guidance. In fact, I didn't even think about seeking it. Now, I don't take a step without it.

But, it is a constant struggle, battle really, to make sure pride doesn't enter back into my life. I question my motives for just about everything I do because I want to make sure God receives glory for anything that happens in my life. I'm positive there are and will still be prideful moments, and occasions when I trust myself; but more than anything, I want those times to become fewer and fewer.

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