Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Nine Days

So, I'm just going to be completely blunt and honest, and lay it all out there. The last nine days have been just awful. It all started when I took to heart something someone said out of ignorance. Someone touched...no scratched...at a tender place in my heart. At first, I rejected it. But the more I thought about it, the more it began to bother me. I began to dwell on it, and it wasn't long before old feelings surfaced: worthlessness, doubt, anger, even some bitterness. How quickly those feelings surface and begin to grow! Even reading my Bible quickly became a chore instead of spending precious moments reading my love letter from God. And, my prayers began bouncing off the ceiling.

If you've read my previous post, you know I said I'm amidst a spiritual battle. This thing is no joke! Wow! In nine days, my mind has returned to dark places. Satan is working overtime in all sorts of ways to destroy me. And, he knows exactly what buttons to push. Over the last nine days, I started fighting in my own strength. That doesn't work. I'm headed back in the right direction once again, but angry at myself that it's taken nine days to get to that point.

This is something I wrote during this period:

I feel myself slipping away
Even though I beg and plead
I don't want You to let go
I want You to answer me
To make me understand
Just how it is You'll keep me free

I want to wait in silence
I try to rest to no avail
My mind knows what's right
But it's becoming frail
My mind is clouding again
A battle is raging, I can tell

Truth and feelings are at war
Truth is somehow in a bind
How much ground will feeling gain
Clutter bounces around in my mind
The fog becoming thicker once more
Make it stop before I'm confined

See how fast and far I can go when I trust in my own strength? Over the last four years, I've learned to depend on God...but sometimes, I have a memory lapse. I'm glad God doesn't have memory lapses, and I'm glad He doesn't give up on me!


  1. I love your heart and openness! I am going to be lifting you up before our Father!

  2. Praying for you! Hang in there, girl!