Thursday, August 2, 2012

Fatal Attraction

I don't like that I have this ridiculously strong attraction to all things Christian and church. I don't like that I feel drawn to read other people's opinions about said subjects. I honestly wish I could turn my head and walk away from it all. It annoys me that I can't resist the urge to open the Bible to find out what it says about the things I read and hear. I can't make my mind quit wondering what Jesus would really do in certain situations.

I've read a lot of people's opinions this week alone. I've shared several of them on Facebook and Twitter. Many others have made me the point that I've said, If they're a Christian, I don't want to be one. I don't want to be identified with them. The arrogance, name-calling and self-righteous attitudes of many Christians I know have been sad to read and hear this week.

Yet, I keep reading and listening. I think it's because I can so closely identify with those attitudes. Mine used to be the same...until Grace swept in and radically changed my life. I think I can't stop reading and listening because I'm hoping Grace will do the same for them.

And that is the paradox. I'm finding it hard to have grace on those who might need grace more than they realize. I want to shake them, wake them up, and scream at them for being so merciless and graceless. After all, we are the church. We're the very ones who should be showing the world who Mercy and Grace is.

So I sit here waivering between this strong attraction to read and study, wanting to walk away from all things Christian, and trying to figure out how to offer grace to those who act just as the Pharisees did. I won't pretend: it's a tough spot I find myself in. It seems this strong attraction will end up killing my spirit. I think the only answer for me is this: open hands in surrender. Surrender to Grace...over and over and over. Grace saved me before, and will continue to.

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