Good. How are you?, I respond without missing a beat or a step. If she answers, it doesn't even register.
The truth is that I'm not good. And I'm quite sure she is. She'd never understand why I don't want to be there. Right?
She seems to thrive in that environment. I get lost in it.
For the most part, I'm pretty sure I look like I fit: best clothes and smile on my lips. I go with good intentions in search of community. But I feel like a square peg in a sea of round holes whose histories are linked:
- My theology doesn't match.
- I live more in the gray than in the black and white.
- I'd rather learn from and share with others in blue jeans on a sofa with a cup of coffee and some cookies than in cushioned wooden pews and metal chairs.
- Just one among the thousands, I have questions about the sermon that I'll never get to ask.
- I sing the words, Create in me a clean heart, O God, and I think how He already has.
Almost every time, I leave with the realization that even though I've just spent two-to-three hours with thousands of people, I didn't experience community or commonality. I've simply played my part. I wonder how church in the four walls became less about relationships and more about role play.
And I wonder how many more secretly identify with my words here, but fear the hushing if they break the silence...
Rebekah... trust me, you are not alone! I wonder if the root of this problem lies not in our churches or the services they have crafted... but could it be we've become passive in a selfish way? I know many times I've come to church with the 'what's in it for me' attitude. Doesn't a relationship demand active involvement on our part?
ReplyDeleteYou could rightly argue that the services we attend do not offer the deep intricacies our soul needs. It is a true dilemma...
I'll admit...I'm becoming quite jaded. There've been so many times over the years that I've wanted to share, to ask questions, to minister (within the walls) only to be silenced because I ask too many questions, or my theology doesn't line up just so, or my past is too messy. I've been able to invest in others and others invest in me more outside of the four walls than ever inside (and quite often from people who for one reason or another don't attend "church.")And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. It's true...sometimes I need more than I can give. But sometimes, it's the opposite.
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