Sunday, February 5, 2012

Warning: Pity Party

My oldest and I were driving home from gymnastics this evening, talking about what a big week we have ahead. She's trying out for cheerleader, and I'm running my first half marathon. We were talking about how far 13.1 miles is, and she asked if I was nervous. I replied with, No, I'm determined. {Truth is...I'm nervous.} She  talked about how she's a little nervous about cheer tryouts, then she switched back to talking about my running. I told her how badly I want the medal I'll receive at the end of the course. Then she said something that totally threw me for a loop:

I hope you make it to the end. I want you to succeed at something. I mean, you succeed at cleaning house, but that's boring.

Talk about knocking the wind out of my sails! And here I thought I was succeeding at being a good mom, a role model for my girls, a pretty consistent blogger...

But apparently, in her opinion, I'm not whatever it takes to be successful. Of course, I've secretly thought this of myself plenty of times; but, I've always extinguished that idea with, I'm a good mom...and I'm doing everything possible to make sure! I'm not a great or popular blogger, but I'm pretty consistent and write what's on my heart. 

Honestly, there are times when I wish more "success" for myself, but I always come back to this: I'm not up for the schmoozing, sweet talking, and networking it seems to take to become a worldly success. And even the grace God has worked into my heart and mind seems to offend my Christian brothers and sisters. Nope, I'm not a success. And I'd pretty much decided to be okay with that. Until tonight.

Now all those doubts about myself and my abilities as a mom {who am I a person} are all stirred up again. Because I want my children to think I'm successful. What mom doesn't? And I'm thinking, What can I do so my girls will see me as successful? Maybe I need to get a job. I need some special skill or talent. And I'm racking my brain to think of something at which I can be which they will think I'm successful.

I don't have answers tonight. I know what I should be thinking: God has given me the opportunity to be a stay-at-home be available 24 hours a day to love and teach my children. But tonight, that just doesn't seem to be enough. Tonight, I want my girls to think of me as successful...


  1. Out of the mouths of babes...isn't that how the old saying goes? The problem with being a successful mom is that your children don't realize it until they have children of their own and husbands know you are but they're men, so they don't verbalize it. So that only leaves you yourself or your friends. You can't believe what you tell yourself because, after all, what would life be without self-doubt? So listen to your friends...You are successful as a mom and a woman because of all the little things you do that up to one big thing...a loving, happy family.

    So run and finish your 1/2 marathon (I know you can do it and will be send good thoughts your way) and your daughters will cheer your "success" but know if your heart that your friends and God see your everyday, boring successes and we are cheering those. :-)

  2. You are very successful, your blog is a blessing, I would miss it if it was gone. Children are just children, she doesn't see the whole picture of 'who you are' or 'what you do' she sees you 'cleaning'. That is not about YOU that is about her ability to SEE clearly because of her maturity.
    Hang in there you are doing Great.

  3. As someone who was a stay at home mom for the first 7 years of my daughter's life and now have gone back to work. I feel like a failure every day that I don't get to pick her up from school or when I can't make it to have lunch with her as often as I did when I stayed home. How I can't be the room mom now. Yes I feel successful at the job I am at now, but nothing like when I was there for every minute of her life. Even if they don't see it now, looking back when they are older, they will see it!

  4. Heather and Sharon,
    Thank you for your kindness and encouragement. Deep down, I know my girls see through the filter of immaturity. But I also see through my own filter of the past. Just sorting it all out through my words. :)

    It's such an internal struggle, isn't it? Even though I'm home and available to them 24/7, there's just something that doesn't feel successful about cleaning, cooking, and being at the school. On the other hand, I'm sure I'd feel the struggle if I worked...just like you. Maybe it's part of the role of being a mom.